As I sit here and write this I consider my journey so far. I start to realise the changes I have made, two years ago I was a very different person. Previously I was extremely negative, judgemental and basically miserable. My head was on the go all of the time, so much so that it hurt! Everything that did happen or might happen was put through my filter of measuring everything as a pass or a fail. Negativity came very easy, judgements of everything and everybody were made, after a full analysis through my negative head. I viewed everything I did or didn’t do to be at fault. I was continuously looking at a blank page and then looking for negatives.

Disappointment, unfavourable, bad and pessimistic thoughts were all so easy to access. Positive thoughts and comments went against the grain, if anything positive came up, then I would immediately weigh it down with a series of negative possibilities. I felt that I was not good enough at everything I did, and repeatedly set my own expectations high in everything, so that I then experienced the disappointments I seemed to want or need. For example; I was driving the car with my autistic son in the back. The weather was bad and I was driving in snow. I considered as I was driving, how I was a bad mother, driving in the awful conditions. If we crashed and I was killed or could not help him, then I would not be there to explain to the emergency services people that he is autistic. Therefore when he doesn’t answer their questions they would think he was badly hurt, when in fact he wasn’t and consequently they would give him medical treatment he would not require! This was one very quick process of thought and then I would move to the next one. I was exhausted, I regularly felt paranoid, I started to isolate myself and was unable to concentrate for any length of time.

Basically I folded. This low point was January 2011. I was unable to function so was off work and seeking counselling from my GP. Due to a waiting list I decided I had to do something for myself. I had completed the Son-Rise start up course where dialogues where explained and not able to do anything for myself I booked a session with Rekha because I wanted to move forward with my son’s program and I was not fit to do so. It was difficult to describe but after my first session with Rekha I felt different. The pathway was obvious, very scary, but I knew I had felt better after one session, so I booked ten sessions with Rekha.

Looking at my notes from my sessions with Rekha, I can see some comments/remarks I made in my dialogue, and I can remember how massive they seemed at the time. Now they seem obvious, straight forward and I can laugh as I read them. Attempting to initially be aware of my thoughts and feelings, then attempt to counter balance an easy negative thought with a positive one. The notion of happiness is a choice, accepting what I do is the best I can at this time, seemed totally impossible. Lowering the bar seemed difficult, but worth working on, along with letting myself off the hook. The prospect of reducing the analysis in my head all of the time was a goal that was definitely worth working towards. Also protecting myself, for over 30 years, experiencing being scared of being happy, making myself a victim in most cases was a habit that was going to be difficult to break. Because I had hit rock bottom and could not function in my current roles, I had to try and make changes. I can remember considering the place of happiness that Rekha described, which seemed like an impossibility for me.

Step by step, looking at different areas of my choosing, I started to feel the weight lifting. It is not something you can just start to do it does take time and practice, but after two or three sessions, over a time scale of one month, I started to feel confirmation within myself that it was the right thing to do.  In July 2011 I went back to work, and my journey continued. I still have a book with positive comments and affirmations that helps me, but I am a completely different person. I can sit down and relax ,without guilt, I laugh about experiences that I would have viewed as tragic before. I still am me, with my lists to do and controlling nature, but I now have a firm belief that happiness is a choice. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness other than my own. (That itself took off such a weight!) During dialogues Rekha was so accepting and non judgemental with everything I said. So encouraging, leaving me with things to consider in between dialogues. I am still on my exciting journey and still love to have dialogues, but my family and I are so grateful to have the new me, which is a direct outcome of the amazing work of Rekha.

By Lucy H, Mum, Year Manager for Sixth Form, Uk.