We go through life constantly comparing, “it’s not fair he has a bigger house”, “she has a better set of clothes than me, because she has better dress sense and more money”, I have even had people say in sessions ” I hate that women why is it she has a son that can talk and is typical and mine isn’t”.
Conversely we add an “I” at the beginning so we say things like, “I am better student than Fred as I got higher grades in maths”, etc. I had one close relative say to me “I know Rohan is disabled, but at least you have a car, I had to walk everywhere with my kids” (she didn’t have a child with special needs).
We are doing one of two things when we are making comparisons, either making up we are bigger and better than the other person and consequently judging the other person as bad, stupid or not good enough i.e.’being totally self righteous’ or we are judging ourselves as bad, resulting in feeling sad and inadequate as a consequence. Problem is every time we judge something as bad whether it be us or someone else, we create discomfort inside ourselves, also this attitude doesn’t cultivate secure, loving, fruitful relationships as everything is always a competition. One thing is for certain, even if it is dressed up as caring there is not an ounce of compassion in using this mechanism! How can anyone KNOW how you feel, and what you are thinking? They have never walked in your shoes and you have never walked in theirs!
So what other way is there?
Well how do you communicate to a good friend?
- You love them where they are, you don’t judge them you listen to them
- You cheer them on, wanting the best for them,
- Take useful action.
